christian marriage matters

Because your Christian marriage matters


Flame fanning

fan flame

In order to get a reluctant campfire going, blowing on the flame is necessary. This is where the term fan the flames literally comes from. When we think of the idiom ‘fan the flames’ however a negative connotation usually comes to mind. I ask you to shift that mental model to: the positive act of intensifying the love for your spouse

And I digress: So the end of the school year for a teacher can be pretty stressful. The idea of having a deadline to add all grades for the entire year, to document the accurate attendance for an extremely transient population, turning in all supplies given over the course of the year, and not to mention packing as if you’re moving out, because you never know when you are. This coupled with the stressors of daily life can drive anyone over the edge. This year however the end of year stress was exacerbated by the on the job stress my husband endures daily and the extra pressure he adds to his workload by being on several boards, being in the military and working with various political associations. All of this created a powder keg in our house that with the tiniest spark of ‘good morning’ said the wrong way, was destined to blow. Don’t worry, we weren’t headed for divorce court or anything, but we were at each other’s throats sharing a little more than intense fellowship on a regular basis.

I share all of this to implore you to make time for your marriage. Unplug from the matrix and fan the flames of your marriage in order to keep the spark going. We recently returned from a Celebrity cruise to Bermuda where there was no phone service, no internet and we couldn’t even send or receive smoke signals from home. After the initial culture shock and the new normal of not touching your phone every few minutes, we found ourselves settling into a romantic getaway where all we wanted to do was share our next adventure with one another. We stayed up until obscene hours either dancing or just laughing and talking, and we rekindled the relationship we didn’t even realize we were losing. We also became that touchy feely PDA couple we so despise, but just couldn’t help ourselves. Being with a couple who are still in love after 42 years of marriage didn’t hurt much either. They let us know that it’s possible to love one spouse forever and taught us not to sweat the small stuff.

Take Away: Plan time away with your spouse. This can include going on an all-inclusive exotic vacation, or a trip one hour away to the middle of the woods where there’s nothing but the two of you. Unplug from the matrix by turning off all electronics and focusing on one another. Make it your goal to leave more in love than you came. Also refrain from all arguments. Think before you speak and be extra cognizant of how the things you do and say negatively impact your spouse. The most important thing for this day, weekend, week or month is to fan the flames of your marriage in order to intensify the love you have for one another.

The scripture reference is the Song of Solomon.

Yup I went there! Be extra daring and in your time alone read it aloud together

WOOHOO let the fun begin!

Shout to my boo and K.D. & J.D. (insider)

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My Marathon Rant

So this is a little off the topic of marriage but I have to get it out.

So the marathon is a germophobes nightmare. Being handed water so graciously by someone with their entire finger in your cup. People high fiving a bunch of runners who went to the restroom only God knows where, wiping with only God knows what and washing their hands with, well you get the point. And everyone offering you random food that comes out of nowhere like premoistened gummy worms, orange slices exchanged hand to hand, half eaten bananas and the list goes on.

I’ll just add that mile ten turned a consummate germophobe into an IDontCarian. I will eat whatever you offer off your dirty, sweaty urine laced fingers and I’m just grateful you’re offering anything. So with that I say Thank you Pittsburgh for yet another wonderful year of marathon support. You danced, sang and encouraged runnners who were all in and who were right on the verge of giving up. From the trombone player in her wonder woman gear, to the wine stand in the South Side I appreciate you. To the oversized dancing banana and especially to the BGR member who yelled in my face ‘you can do it, you are awesome, you were made for this’ on the North Side as she ran a good half a block with me, I say Pittsburgh: YOU ARE AWESOME!!!

To relate this to marriage: we often miss the love and good intentions of the giver when we refuse to accept the gift. Become an IDontCarian in your marriage. That’s the ultimate stretch I know, but this is a marriage blog people.

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Isaiah 40:31

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Talk to Me


I often watch older couples as they’ve been together for some time (at least that’s the assumption I make). The ones that are most interesting are those that sit at restaurants in silence for the most part. I’ll admit I used to feel sorry for them and vow that would never be my husband and me, then I started watching more intently. I invite you to do the same. Watch the dance that takes place in utter and complete silence. She’ll pass the sugar before he asks for it, he’ll cut her steak or grab a string bean before she begins eating. They may say nothing verbally but they are having a full conversation with loving nonverbals. This is what I strive for. I want a bond so close that we don’t have to make a sound to completely understand what the other is thinking or feeling. I want to be totally in tune with my husband.
All of this brings me to the conclusion that it’s not about how others say you should talk to one another, but rather it’s the natural flow of communication that works for your relationship. If the style you are using to communicate presently isn’t working for you, please seek the help of a thriving mentor couple or as I always say get a licensed listener. However, once you identify a communication style that works for the two of you, take solace in the fact that you may one day become that older couple who need no words to express the deepest sentiments of their hearts.

The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit
(Proverbs 15:4).

Caption courtesy of:

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