She Knows I Love Her

 

How many people have heard these words, or even worst how many have said it?

There’s this assumption that since you married her and made her your one and only, that she knows how much you love her. I’ll give you this, she may know you love her, but she needs to hear that you are still in love with her everyday.

 

Women go through the ups and downs of bad hair days, carrying baby weight, acne and the “I’m not good enough’ battle forced on them by society. When this is coupled with a nonchalant relationship in which the man is too cool to share his true feelings, how could she feel like the queen she is?

 

Take a moment and think about why you fell in love with your wife. What made her special? What made her different? What made you decide this is the woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with?

 

Then take a look at the number one love stories, women’s channels and chick flicks. What makes the women melt? You know it’s that Casanova who comes on the scene and who notices everything from her haircut to a change in nail color. The guy who reminds her of just how very special she is each day. That’s the guy who has mastered the art of Divorce-Proofing his marriage.  She becomes so accustomed to hearing sweet nothings (or everything’s) from her man that flirtation and compliments have no effect on her.

 

Now work at becoming this guy. Sincerely compliment your wife each and every day. Make her feel special, beautiful and desirable. Show her you’re interested in what she’s doing, where she’s going and what she has to say. Hold her, caress her and be there for her. But most importantly tell her you love her until you are blue in the face and show her you love her with all you say and do.

 

Don’t make Valentine’s Day the only time she hears it either. Develop a habit and say it until she gets annoyed (I assure you she’s acting).

 

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sin (1Peter 4:8, NIV).

The Couple From H-E-Double

Everyone has met them. They’re that couple that argue about everything from driving down the street to the time the movie starts. They seem to have some underlying need to make their spouse miserable which in turn makes everyone else miserable.

Don’t get me wrong, we all have bad days and we all may have an embarrassing moment or two in public, but this is that couple that seems to enjoy verbally massacring their spouse. The one who likes making their spouse look and feel like a total idiot and who practice this as often as possible.
Think of your circle of “couple friends” (side note: if you are a couple and you don’t have any, it’s time to work on that. Every couple needs to surround themselves with some healthy couple friends for a plethora of reasons. If you don’t have any, take the time to join a dance class, a church couples group or some other activity that allows you to build some friendships in this area). Now think of that couple that just seems miserable. They are often so miserable that they make everyone else miserable (Or at least one of them is). Sadly, I have to say if you can’t think of who that couple is, make sure it’s not you, and do a relationship check:
1. do I make my spouse the butt of all my jokes
2. do I debate everything my spouse says
3. do I enjoy proving my spouse wrong and try to do it as much as possible, and in public
4. do I take sides against my spouse when there’s a debate
5. do I allow others to tease joke about or make my spouse the butt of their jokes without defense or support
If you answered yes to two or more of these questions, you may be “the couple from h-e double”. you may think your constant debating with one another proves your intellectual prowess, but it actually gets on everyone’s nerves. You may think your constant jokes about how fat you husband has become is funny, but in reality they make all of your friends uncomfortable, mainly because they make your husband uncomfortable. Finally, you may think the way you talk about her mother is a comedy routine, but really it’s often in bad taste and borders on disrespect, but no one wants to tell you.
The key to avoiding the stigma of “the couple from H-E-double” is remembering the two of you are the ultimate team, a dynamic duo of sorts. If you must argue save the show for a private space, and always fight fair. If you have a couple from H-E double who is draining you, you may have to take the bold step of letting them know. Share how uncomfortable they make you feel, suggest counseling or some other helpful strategies and just help them to see the error in their ways. You can also share this post with them in hopes they figure out they are the couple from H-E-Double. This could cause a minor strain in your relationship, but they’ll thank you later (much later).

 

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.
Ephesians 4:15, NIV

Life’s Too Short

Life’s Too Short.

 

So the older we get the more we realize life is too short to focus on petty situations. Life is too short to pass up opportunities. Life is too short to spend another moment holding a grudge and seeking revenge. Most importantly life is too short to live in misery. Am l saying it’s time to get a divorce because that spouse just makes you miserable? Oh Heavens no! What I am saying is, it’s time to change your perspective and figure out how to make that marriage work. It’s time for your marriage to thrive rather than just survive.

 

How does that happen you ask? Well let’s look at a few ways:

  1. Talk about it. You have been together for a month, a year, a decade or more. You have to get to a place where you can actually talk to one another. Let your spouse know what you long for and what you need. Then listen as your spouse does the same. You’d be surprised how much easier it is to understand your spouse when you actually listen to him/her. Use the information shared to improve your marriage and to fulfill the wants and needs of your spouse.

 

  1. Just do it. Take everything you talk about and actually do it. If your spouse says they need you to give him or her a word of encouragement every day, just do it. If he/she says they need a swift kick in the butt, just do it (that could be fun). And if they say they need you to be quiet and just be a supportive shoulder to cry on, just do it. Be willing to be everything your spouse needs and they will in turn do the same for you.

 

  1. Do something amazing together. Go on a mission trip and serve others, do a service project or prepare gift bags for the homeless. I know this sounds silly but serving others bonds us in a way that nothing else can. It causes a humility and a gratefulness to overtake us, and when that occurs with your spouse you can’t help but be thankful for that wonderful blessing God has given you.

 

  1. Do something crazy together. You heard about the senior citizens getting frisky in their neighbors swimming pool. This is a great example that doing something crazy binds you and gives you a story that can be passed down generation after generation. It also gives you a good laugh. And we all know “Laughter doeth good like medicine” (Proverbs 17:22). Find something crazy the two of you can do. I’ve said it before but I’ll include it here: I don’t want you to get arrested, but come so close a police chase just might be involved.

 

  1. Dream together. I heard Joel Osteen say “get around someone who makes your baby leap, not who puts your baby to sleep”. This should be your spouse. Motivate, energize and encourage one another to reach your dreams. Be the loudest cheerleader your spouse has and push him/her to the greatness they have been called to.

 

While doing all of this, be sure to put God first and trust him to bond your relationship even more. in God’s hands we can have an amazing relationship beyond what we ever thought possible. We learn to forgive and live. We learn to trust and believe, and we learn to love without limits.

 

Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.

James 4:14, NIV.

Recognize that life’s too short and make every moment with your spouse count.

A Fair One

A Fair One

Back in the day before everyone had an AK in their gun locker we used to be able to have what was termed “A Fair One”. A fair one is a one on one fight where you promise not to use weapons and friends and family promise not to jump in. Although this seems barbaric, in the hood this was a healthy norm. You learned to protect yourself and in a not so normal way you learned to solve problems on your own. There was also a level of integrity involved. The most important piece was there was no loss of life and the respect factor allowed the two fighters to be friends in the future.

 

The children of today know nothing of the sort. They come prepared to use whatever they can get their hands on, and if they begin losing they either have family and friends or a weapon waiting behind a tree to give them that unfair advantage. Retaliation can continue for months and the lack of   integrity involved leaves the kids with little respect for one another before, during or after.

 

This is the same state of many of our marriages. When we get into arguments our spouse seems to morph into the ultimate villain and our goal is to annihilate the enemy, rather than to solve a problem. What we often forget is, this is our teammate, our life partner and the love of our life. We find ourselves so interested in coming out with the win we forget to come out with the relationship intact.

We are human so it is inevitable that we will fight (I guess I should change that term to argue). We will disagree and there is nothing wrong with that. The problem comes in when our intention is to hurt rather than to heal, whether it be the situation or the individual. So let’s develop a plan to get “a fair one” with our spouse.

First we need to isolate the issue. When we argue (and especially when we feel like we’re losing the argument) it’s easy to pull up an old argument that wasn’t solved or an issue that has nothing to do with the one at hand. The key here is to stay on topic. If you have to create a safe word which means “we’re getting off topic” do it, but by all means necessary, stick to it.

Don’t purposely set out to offend. In an argument at times we will be offended. Retaliation is not an option. Recognize this is your love and that some things will hurt simply out of ignorance not intention. With that share with your spouse that it hurt and continue avoiding that area. The goal is to solve the problem at hand not to create a new one.

Finally take all of your issues to God before even attempting to take it to one another. Pray about whether it’s an issue worthy of discussion and then pray about how to address it in love. Before proceeding (if possible) you may even want to pray together. I caution you against a condescending request to pray. This is when you use prayer as a weapon rather than the ultimate resource. Only pray with your spouse if you know you are both on the same page about prayer. Also never shame your spouse with prayer. This is difficult but it can save a lot of marriages. Feel free to pray silently if your spouse is not a fan, but don’t do it to make your spouse feel like a heel. Most importantly when and if you pray together don’t pray on your spouse. Pray for appropriate words, for loving debate and for an understanding of perspective but don’t attack with prayer.

 

And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise.

Luke 6:31, King James Version

 

Happy Husband’s Day

Happy Husband’s Day

 

In the Last twenty-eight years, my husband and I have gone through a lot of changes. We have grown from love sick (and somewhat toxic) teenagers into middle aged adults navigating love and life together. In this time, I often forget the fact that this man has stood by me through it all. When we found out we would be teenage, parents he was there, when we did this again because we didn’t learn from the first time, he was there. When I had to fight through the demons of sexual abuse, he was there. When our children took their first steps, lost their first tooth and needed a shoulder to cry on, he was there. When I graduated from both high school and college, he was there. When I needed surgery, hospitalization or simply needed a Band-Aid, he was there.

 

I could go on and on about the wonderful things he has done, the wonderful experiences we’ve had and the wonderful memories we’ve made. The problem is, I share them with you and neglect to share them with him.

 

If you’ve been reading my posts for a while, you know my husband has a tendency to get on my last nerve. He is a man and I a woman, and that simple fact alone makes us polar opposites on most subjects. When you hear the term opposites attract, you should see our faces, because we are definitely night and day. I can also add that if you’ve been reading a while you should have also picked up the fact that despite all of our differences and difficulties, he is the love of my life and I wouldn’t trade him for the world.

 

As we traverse through yet another difficult familial situation I came to the realization that this man is truly my rock. He is hurting and feeling the pain as I am, but he continues to make sure I’m OK. He rubs my shoulders, holds me and just says the things I need to hear in order to get through this, as we have everything else. I also realize that I may not show him how much I truly appreciate all he does.

 

My goal in this somewhat lengthy share is to let everyone know that ‘Husband’s Day’ is Saturday April 16, 2016. I know you’re saying but that’s months away, however this early head start allows you to plan effectively. I also realize Father’ Day sneaks up in June but this is something completely separate. Although we give one another gifts on both Mother’s and Father’s Day, we’ve always questioned it, because he’s not my father and I doggone sure am not his mother. This is a day that allows me to give him a special shout out for all he is to me (not because he was able to get me pregnant).

 

So with that ladies take some time to first think about all your husband does for you and with you in mind. Think about what his love and relationship mean to you. Then prepare a wonderful ‘thank you’ day to show him just how much you appreciate him.

 

MEN: Wife’s Day is September 18th (get ready for it)

 

Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands as it is fit in the Lord.

Colossians 3:18, King James Version

 

 

 

The Three-Quel

We are sad to announce that due to a lack of participation,

The CMM 7 Day Love Challenge: The Three-Quel

will be postpoed.

 

We sincerely thank those of you who have signed up and implore others to do the same. When we have at least 10 couples we will begin a new challenge.

 

Thank you for your continued support of all things marriage.

 

If I Should Die Before I Wake

If I Should Die Before I Wake

We always used to pray “if I should die before I wake” out of habit. I don’t think we realized what we were saying and how fragile life really is. The news shows us with the random shootings, the runaway vehicles and the other unbelievable incidents where people are here one moment and gone the next, that we can’t take life for granted.

 

Although this is true, marriage is difficult. We find ourselves irritated, annoyed and sometimes just fed up. We have all been there, but a few recent events are making me rethink the way I approach the love of my life.

I’ve always been pretty feisty,  fiery and sometimes downright mean. I blamed numerous issues I’ve experienced including growing up in the Hood, being a fatherless daughter, dealing with sexual abuse, blah, blah, blah. As I get older however I’m realizing none of this matters when it comes to my relationship. I can’t continue to live in the past, and if I’m constantly guarding my heart, he will be forced to break in just to show me his love.

 

I add to this some serious experiences that also helped to put things in perspective. For one, I was rolled away for surgery and the last thing I remember was seeing his face. We smiled and said some parting joke but the reality of “If I should die before I wake” came to mind.

 

Then we attended the funeral of the wife in a couple who were ‘all in’ for marriage. Watching him attempt to be strong for his guests in the midst of such dire circumstances drove home the fact that any of us could die before we wake.

 

These two incidents shook me up and refocused my attention on what’s necessary and important. We get caught up in silliness and forget this is the love of our life. We get so enthralled in FB, Instagram and Twitter we forget to truly enjoy the moments we share.

 

So make it your goal to love hard, to love intentionally and to love without limits. Instead of the overpriced gifts buy some board games and play the weekend away. How about making some wonderful snacks, meals or arts and crafts together. This time will be so much more memorable to all involved. Instead of the filtered pictures we post to make people think we’re having the time of our lives, put the phone away and actually completely check in.

 

Finally make a family or couple meal a priority. One of my biggest regrets is not eating as a family every day. We allowed life to get in the way because we didn’t recognize the importance of actually living. Now I realize life happens and some days this is not possible, but be sure to set at least one meal a week aside where all you do is laugh love and be merry.

 

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God (1 John 4:7, New King James Version).

Q & A

Hello Marrieds everywhere. For the next few weeks we will be focusing our posts around questions that come up but never seem to be addressed. These questions can have anything to do with marriage and the blessings, trials and tribulations that accompany it.

In our Marriage Fellowship we called this a Topic Box. We had a box and note cards. Each week everyone received a note card and wrote something they would like too talk about or have answered (without including their name). Each week we pulled a card from the box and that was what we spent the evening discussing.  This allowed us to talk freely from the topic without offending and we were never quite sure if it was our spouse who submitted the question.

I will not be answering all of the questions alone. I will be consulting some individuals I consider marriage authorities as well as some of the counselors and resources I have available.

With that feel free to send your question or comment in the “Add Comment” box if you’re not so worried about anonymity, or under “Contact Us” or send it to me at

ChristianMarriageMatters@gmail.com

if you’d like to maintain that anonymous status.

THE CMM 7 Day Love Challenge THE THREE-QUEL

We’re at it again. It’s the third installment of the CMM 7 Day Love Challenge!

take 2 collage

The New Year is here and the resolutions are rolling out. Let’s add a marriage resolution to the list. This year resolve to make it your best marriage year yet. How do you do this? Well I’m glad you asked. Kick this year off by participating in the first 7 Day Love Challenge of 2016.

January 4, 2016 the games will begin!!!

All you have to do is discuss the commitment with your spouse, sign up on the side panel and get ready to bring it on January 4th.

That is if you aren’t SCUUUURRRRDDDD!!!

You will spend a fun filled week logging in each day to complete the days activities. It will be a challenge but there will be lots of fun lots of love and even more laughter.

SO WHO’S IN???!!!

THE CMM 7 Day Love Challenge Take II Update

After much deliberation, I think we finally have a declared winner

(Thanks goes to the challengers for checking, checking, and re-checking my math).

Barnabas and Amanda Agwuocha won by a landslide!!!
With this awesome rap:

https://www.facebook.com/bba6842/videos/1017532821601849/

CONGRATULATIONS Barnabas and Amanda
and everyone who participated.

An honorable mention also goes to the other three couples involved in the tie breaker:
Corey and Charrie Slater
Marvin and Hilary Nelson
Tim and Sue Maloney

Corey and Charrie actually secured the second place position, and they are extremely proud for beating her youth pastor ; )

Remember that in the challenge there are no losers but only winners as they work to leave a legacy of love because
CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE MATTERS!!!

NEXT CHALLENGE DATE: January 4, 2016 sign up today in the right panel

THIS IS A GREAT NEW YEAR’S MARRIAGE RESOLUTION